Jokes 

A young punk gets on the cross-town bus. He's got spiked, multi-colored hair that's green, purple, and orange.
His clothes are a tattered mix of leather rags. His legs are bare and he's wearing worn-out shoes. His entire face
and body are riddled with pierced jewelry and his earrings are big, bright feathers.He sits down in the only vacant seat that's directly across from an old man who glares at him for the next ten miles.

Finally, the punk gets self-conscious and barks at the old man, "What are you looking at you old fart...didn't you ever
do anything wild when you were young?"

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah, back when I was young and in the Navy, I got really drunk one
night in Singapore and fuc*** a parrot.... I thought maybe you were my son.''

 

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan
all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely
undressed and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis, which he left sticking out.

Two old ladies were strolling along the beach, one using a cane. Upon seeing the thing sticking up out of the sand, she
began to move it around with her cane, remarking to the other lady, ''There is no justice in this world.'' The other lady
asked what she meant.

"Well, when I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it.
When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot all
about it. Now I'm 80 and the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!"

An Alabama man turned 18 and went to a local house of ill repute to experience his first sexual experience with a partner.
He approached the madam and shyly asked if he could retain the services of one of her fine ladies. The Madam was happy
to oblige and started to rattle off a list of services that could be purchased.... straight lovemaking, 69, bj etc.

Except for the straight lovemaking he was unaware of what all of the other services mentioned were but was very curious.
After she rattled off the menu the shy polite southern boy graciously asked for "that 69 thing" totally unaware what that
might be. The Madam charged the boy and directed him to the room where this wonderful act would take place. Upon
entering the room the boy was immediately pleased by the sight of his purchase and she asked him to disrobe and join
her on the bed.

As she was already naked, it seemed alright so he did as he was told and meekly joined her in bed and pulled the sheet
over himself. Without warning the lady pulled off the sheet, flipped around and assumed the position. Other than being
shocked by the predicament he found himself in he was pleased at the sensation and shock soon turned to pleasure.
Shortly after this started the lady let out ............well..........a small fart.

The boy immediately noticed and although it was unpleasant he quickly forgot about it and continued.

A short bit later the lady repeated this and again although it made him a bit sick to his stomach the rest of the activity was
so pleasurable that he dismissed it.

About a minute passed and the boy was now very excited and enjoying his purchase very much when without warning the
lady dropped ass again and this time it seemed, at least to the boy that it was getting much more vile and
unbearable......so much so that he tapped the lady on the butt, signaling to stop and said in his most polite southern
accent "Mamm, I appreciate what you are tryin to do for me and all, but I don't think I can stand 66 more of these"

 

One day a Florist goes for a haircut. After the cut, he goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot
accept money from you; I am doing a Community Service'. The Florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning
when the Barber goes to open his shop, there is a Thank you Card and a dozen roses waiting at his door. A Cop goes for a
haircut and he also goes to pay the Barber and the barber replies: 'I am Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing
a Community Service.The Cop is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop,
there is a Thank you Card and a dozen Donuts waiting at his door. An Indian Software Engineer goes for a haircut and he
also goes to pay the Barber and barber replies; 'I'm Sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I am doing a Community
Service'. The next morning when the Barber goes to open his shop, guess what he finds there --A Dozen Indians waiting
for a free haircut...     A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks
his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.'' The son then asks his father, ''What's the 6-pack for?'' The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning. ' Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for. The father replies, ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January one for February, one for March, one for.....''

 

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their eyes
closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits. One day, the
teacher brought in a great variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could ever imagine. "Children, I'd like you to close your
eyes and taste these," announced the teacher. Without difficulty, they managed to identify the taste of cherries, lemons and
mint, but when the teacher had them put honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"
 

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The young rooster walks over to the old
rooster and says, "Ok, old fellow, time to retire." The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens . . . look at what
it did to me!" The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young
to take over, so take a hike." The old rooster says, "Aw, c'mon . . . just let me have the two old hens over in the corner.
I won't bother you." The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!" the old rooster thinks for a
minute and then says to the young rooster, "I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race around the farmhouse with you.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop."The young rooster says, "You know I'm going to beat you, old man,
so just to be fair, I'm even going to give you a head start."They line up in back of the farm house, get a chicken to cluck "Go!"
and the old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the
farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, sitting on the
porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the young rooster to bits. He sadly shakes
his head and says, "Dammit, third gay rooster I bought this week!"
 

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," said one proudly, "has made
quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction
firm. He's so successful, in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift." The second man,
not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so
successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift." The third man brags that his son has
worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks
has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift. As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him
that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in.
"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and
I've just recently discovered he's gay." As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the bright side, he must be
good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars, and a big
stock portfolio."

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?" First little girl says, "The sky is
definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange depending on the weather." Second, a little
boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher. Little Johnny,
from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny!
That's disgusting. Of course not!" "OK... then I have definitely shit in my pants," said Johnny.

PICTURES

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• A Coffee Holder

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