Dear Girls Below is how it 'really' is:

1. If you think you might be fat, you are. Don't ask us. Just get your backside down a gym.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up, put the bloody thing down.

3. Don't cut your hair. Ever. It causes arguments when we comment on it.

4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present... again.

5. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

6. Saturday = Football/Rugby/Any other sport. Let it be.

7. Shopping is not a sport.

8. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

9. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

10. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

11. Most blokes own two to three pairs of shoes, so what makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

12. 'Yes', 'No' and 'Mmm' are perfectly acceptable answers.

13. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

14. Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.

15. Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.

16. The relationship is never going to be like it was for the first two months.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. It's not the dress that makes you look fat. It's all that bloody chocolate you eat that makes you look fat.

19. All comments become null and void after 7 days.

20. Telling us that the models in the men's magazines are airbrushed makes you look jealous and petty and it's certainly not going to deter us from reading them.

21. The male models with the great bodies you see in magazines are all gay.

22. If something we said could be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

23. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we rate how pretty you are?

24. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during the commercials.

25. When we are in bed and look tired this means that we are tired and does not mean that we want to discuss the relationship.

26. I'd rather be playing football than watch a Bollywood movie with you. Its 90 minutes long doesn't drag on, the same rules apply and the action is as real as it gets!!

27. Dieting doesn't work without exercise.

28. If you're on a diet it doesn't mean my meals should be rabbit food as well.

29. A man's four essential food groups are: white meat, red meat, rice and tea. Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above in good quantities - everything else falls under the category 'garnish'.

30. Do not question our sense of direction.

What can I say? It's taken me a lifetime to find someone like Shifty Shaf but if I want it badly enough I get it. Shifty is every woman's nightmare but if he thinks he's gonna get away with his way of thinking he's wrong. He has just met his match. I'm Fiery Fozia and I speak for all Asian women out there. I ain't mixing my words and I ain't being nice to no one. So 'Slimy' Shaf bring it on I'll tell you how it really is.

1. Hey baby give it a couple of years we'll see who's worried about a pot belly then.

2.If your mother had toilet trained you we wouldn't have this problem would we?

3. At least I have hair to cut and don't have to worry about premature balding as well as premature everything else.

4. Well next time its your birthday - you wont mind me buying the first thing I see will you - a packet of wine gums alright for you?

5. We never think about you - or we wouldn't be here.

6. Saturday = a day without you - what more could one ask for.

7. You have to be clever to shop and be able to juggle three things around at the same time - so that rules all men O-U-T!

8. Well we don't want to look too good for you now do we?

9. If it were staring you in the face you wouldn't know about it.

10. You miss sometimes? More like all the time.

11. Just trying to make you feel important after all it's your money we're buying them with.

12. So is 'not tonight'

13. You're the problem. The headache is just an excuse.

14. No but she has to be yours.

15. What?????

16. I am not living with your mother again so get used to it.

17. I didn't think you remembered that far back.

18. So the body paint is out of the question then??

19. I said you are the best but that was 8 days ago

20. There's me thinking he's looking at the pictures and making a story up as he goes along - didn't think the word 'read' was part of your vocabulary.

21. Well even you noticed they have great bodies - what's that saying about you.

22. If something we said could be interpreted in two ways and one makes you sad and angry - we got the right one.

23. So you won't mind me comparing you to the postman, milkman, window cleaner, the waiters, all your cousins and not forgetting your cute little brother.

24. Well the same applies when EastEnders, Coronation Street, the Weakest Link and anything that's a lot more interesting than you is on.

25. Well honey, if you want to sleep then sleep - save your breath and don't come up with the excuses- its not our fault you can't keep up. 26. Watching a good movie isn't even a patch on playing on a Sunday winter morning - while you are playing away I'm cuddling up at home with my favourite Bollywood star.

27. You're a living proof of that.

28. Hey you're a man of 2000 therefore you should be able to cook, clean and wash. If you don't like rabbit food you know how to make your own dinner.

29. You know exactly where the kitchen is.

30. What sense of direction?

CHAT ME UP
 

We've all been in the chat-up line scenario, haven't we? Whether it's being said or its you saying them Yes I'm talking to you. As we all know, it's always the guys who come out with the cheddar lines. Really, do these guys think they're actually in with a chance? (yep!!) You guys out there that go around driving your 'hired' cars shouting "Hey Baby" to every girl you see in the street comes in a different league altogether - the one entitled "No hope for mankind." (would you still do it if you were driving your papas car?)After questioning all the people I had contact with today, these are some of the chat up lines I gathered:
Your mother must be a thief, because she stole the stars from the sky and placed them in your eyes.
Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
I'm Mr. Right, a little bird said that you were looking for me.
Nice dress. It'd look great on my bedroom floor
My favourite which is like déjà vu:
Boy: Are you not tired?
Girl: No. Why?
Boy: Well you've been running through my mind all day.
Oh and never forget the guy whose head is just waaaaaay too big:
"Hey baby you know I'm the best you're gonna do tonight"
What? U can do better? Well please let me know as I have absolutely now  to do for the next month.
You can write to me at the usual address or Email me at upfrontnews@aol.com and just think of the fun you'll be providing us with here at the Up Front office. So get pen to paper or fingers on the keys and let me know what's the worst you've heard or used? Dare you confess Mr or Miss too big for my shoes the worst - or even the best - lines you've used? Importantly did they work? Let me know.

Following my article in the last issue about the chat-up line scenario. Well what can I say it seems all Up Front readers have it in them as a sixth sense when it comes to chatting up (at this point can I say some of you are not normal - get help FAST!). However I must say some of these lines were so fine and even I would contemplate on using them, not that I need to, I mean I'm intelligent, charming, witty and everything you're not - hee hee. Mr. Casanova you will notice none of your lines have been printed you put all us brothers to shame, in fact don't I know you? Aren't you the 'boy' with no personality, no manners, no looks and no life? Thought so. Anyway here are just some of the chat-up lines you sent that are kind a clean and wouldn't get us in to trouble.

·         If I could re-arrange the alphabet I would put "U and I" together!
·         Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
·         Can I borrow a map because I keep getting lost in your eyes?
·         Did it hurt when u fell from heaven?
·         I got a sweet tooth and you are sweet baby trust me
·         All those curves and I've got no brakes
·         I bet your glad being perfect isn't a crime?
·         You're just like a parking ticket...You've got Fine written all over you
·         If I told you you had a nice body, would you hold it against me?
·         Was your dad a king for a day? He must have been to make a princess like you.
·         Is it hot in here, or is it just you?
·         Could I take your picture, So that I can look at the girl of my dreams more than once
·         I think you're the light at the end of my tunnel.
·         Is there a Rainbow, because you're the treasure I've been searching for
·         If you were a tear in my eyes, I would not cry for fear of losing you.
·         Can you catch? I think I'm falling for you.
·         If water were beauty you'd be an ocean.
·         You're so sweet, you're gonna put sugar out of business.
·         You remind me of a compass because I'd be lost without you.
·         Hi I'm one of the authors of the phonebook and I'd like to include your number?
"I don't believe it! Can you believe all of these lines worked? Nor can I but hey that's not the best. Some of you sent us 'the'  lines that would definitely break the ice but then embarrass the hell out of you especially if you had the boyz with you. Got to give it you, you guyz are the real cheddar.

Boy: Is that a ladder in your tights or a stairway to heaven?
Girl: Seeing as I'm not wearing tights it must be varicose veins

Boy: I'd go through anything for you
Girl: Great, the exits over there

Boy: Are you tired?
Girl: No

Boy: That's funny, you've been running through my mind all day
Girl: Yeah. Looking for a brain cell

Boy: "My place or yours? "
Girl: "You can fit two people under your rock?! "

Boy: My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
Girl: In your dreams buddy!

Girls I am sorry for this but its one of my favourites and I have to give it a mention. It isn't really a chat up line, more of just a laugh.
Two or more girls are walking down the road. Shout: Hey, dream boat. No matter which one turns round, shout, not you ship wreck.